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Over the weekend, I had a girls night with the ladies getting “our toes done up with our fingernails matching”, and I thought, my, this is the perfect setting for some girl talk. Since we deserve honest answers, I went on to ask the men of relationship blog, Very Smart Brothas (VSB), their opinion. Just think of The Champ and Panama Jackson as your really good guy friends who won’t sugarcoat their advice, and make you LMAO at the same time. They’ll tell you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear, which is why I sought out their honesty. The ladies asked a lot of questions (some off camera), so this segment is only PART ONE of a two part post. Now let’s get to it!
1.) With it being 2010, is it true that guys like it when women make the first move? And if so, to what extent (ie: being the first to approach, asking them for their number, being the first to call, etc)?
Champ: I realize that I’m a bit of a traditionalist, but I don’t think it’s in a woman’s best interest to “bag” (romantically pursue) men. Why? Well, a woman making the bulk of the initial romantic moves usurps one of a mans most basic duties: to show a woman that he has enough balls to approach her.
Believe me, nothing takes more guts than a sincere cold, “I dig her, but I have absolutely no idea if she’s feeling me or not” approach. Still, regardless of how shy or socially awkward he might be, stripping a man of this task subsequently strips a woman of one of natures inherent bitchassness filters. I mean, how the hell is he going to be able to protect you from lions and tigers and crackheads if he wasn’t even able to muster a meek “Hi” while behind you in line at Starbucks?
Also, (typically speaking) women don’t “grow” on men, and there’s nothing a woman can do to “win” a guy. Basically, if he knows that you exist and wasn’t so attracted to you that he was compelled to approach, he’ll probably never be attracted enough to you to want to pursue a serious relationship with you.
Now, I’m not saying women don’t have a part in this. Just as it’s our job to approach if we’re interested, its your job to make yourselves somewhat approachable. Smiling, eye contact, starting conversations, subtly making your relationship status clear, and responsive body language is perfectly within a woman’s wheelhouse.
Bagging him on the bus, making moves on your crush, and fed-exing a thong to his cubicle with a “Digits, please. Sexy-a**” note attached isn’t.
2.) A lot of hot girls complain they don’t get approached very often. Why are men intimidated by beautiful women, and what draws a guy to approach a woman?
Champ: It’s not that men are intimidated by beautiful women. Men are intimidated/turned-off by intimidating women, and this has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with demeanor, body language, and the way he sees her interact with others. Regardless of how attractive a woman might be, if she doesn’t look or seem “approachable”, she probably won’t get approached as often as other women. And, to clear any confusion, “approachable” basically means “does it look like she enjoys her life and interacting with other people?. Sure, attraction plays a part in who we decide to approach, but most men would rather talk to a “6” or “7” who looks like she’s having a ball than a “10” who looks like she just smelled a dog fart.
I understand that many perfectly nice and attractive women have developed a certain perpetual public “ice-grillededness” to ward off rudeness, vagrants, and Kappa’s, but they have to understand that this can potentially turn-off desirable suitors as well.
Also “hot” girls tend to travel in packs, and most guys aren’t too keen on approaching and navigating through a gaggle of women when he’s really just interested in one of them.
3.) I wrote a blog post a few weeks back about the dynamics between male and females when dealing with a woman’s success. I referred bell hooks’ book, and her story about her female students suppressing their talents because they think it would make them less desirable. Is it true that men prefer to “date down”? Is it true that a woman’s success might work against her when it comes to relationship matters?
Champ: Honestly, I think this (the dynamics of dating a high achieving woman) is one of those issues that both genders are still learning how to navigate. While it is true that many (if not most) men would prefer to date “down” or “equal”, I’m sure most professional/successful women would admit that they’d prefer to date someone who was at least as (if not more) successful as they were. Basically, the “uneasiness” seems to go both ways, and it will continue as long as we look at romantic relationships as company mergers instead of teams.
Despite this, I wouldn’t suggest that a woman suppress her talents to attract a man, mainly because I don’t think any woman would be happy with a man who was only interested in a dumbed down version of her. And sh*t, from “being black” to “not having thumbs” there are a ton of things that can potentially work against a person in life, but that’s no reason to stop you from doing you.
4.) Why is it so hard to commit, and is traditional dating (ie. courtship) out of style now? Many women (especially in NYC) come across to many “relationships” with no labels, no exclusivity. It’s always like, “Oh, we just kickin it.” Is there hope?
Champ: The main reason why there are so many “just kicking it”/non-commitment arrangements now is that, well, women are allowing it to happen. Regardless of skewed ratios or whatever else might be altering the dating dynamic, guys will go the extra mile if they feel like they have to…and won’t if they don’t. Trust me, all of those “lets chill sometime” commitment-phobic guys would be some courting-a**, exclusive mf-ers if they thought they had a shot at Kerry Washington. Basically, serious relationship-minded women need to stop giving a sh*t about guys who don’t really give a sh*t about them. If you’ve just met a man and he suggests “hanging out” instead of actually taking you out, then be on to the next one. Dont waste time trying to convince him of your “worthiness”.
An analogous situation occurs everyday in every school in the country. Teachers with high standards and high expectations usually produce high-achieving students. Teachers who consistently lower the bar end up sleeping with their students. This analogy made much more sense in my head, but I think you know what I mean.
5.) How Important is it for a girl to NOT be friends with her ex-boyfriends, and how important is it for a girl to state her relationship status on Facebook?
Panama Jackson: I think women are much better at maintaining friendships with ex-boyfriends than men are with ex-girlfriends. Women can genuinely keep the relationship platonic whereas a dude is probably always looking for a way to get back into those jeans. And I think because men think this way, we assume women WILL do what we’d do. So a guy might be jealous of his girl keeping up her ex because he doesn’t trust the guy. In a nutshell, it’s just easier on the relationship to let those relationships go. As far as the relationship status on Facebook, I couldn’t care less what it says. No Facebook status will define what’s going on in my life. Frankly, the less people in my business the better. That’s just me though. Some guys might want that out there because they have control issues or have this need to mark territory. I actually think the relationship status issue is more of a girl problem. I can see most dudes not giving a flying frog f**k about that, but their girl is upset that he won’t put it out there. So he will, to keep her happy.
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Well, ladies and gents, that’s only PART ONE….what are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Did the Champ and Panama Jackson “nail” it? Stay tuned for more answers tomorrow!
Either way, the girls and I had the time of our lives. See? =D Special thank you to Alexis Noelle for filming!!!
